I'm looking back. Unravel the day the person i love the most died, it's you.
I wasn't there when it happened, I should've been there!
I lied, I stood by your grave, trying to convince my self that it wasn't my fault,
but it 'll never be wasn't my fault.
No more kisses, no more hugs, no more phone calls just to say I love you.
And it hurts. Hurts so bad, I can feel nothing.
If you would have been alive, you might have been the only person who is able to get through me right now. Who I am right now only defines disappointment and embarrassment for everyone.
You were always showed up in every right place. You were always supported me in every right time.
The only flaw you had, you didn't make me work for it, for your love.
And I treated you like stupid. I took you for granted. I know for sure you loved me so much, and maybe that's the reason I kept doing all the stupid things, because I know you would always take me back. I was an idiot.
Many times you showed me how you loved me. Many times I did not show you I loved you. It's imbalance.
I hurt you not only once, not only twice, I bet it's a long list to go.
I kept hurting you, but you were forgiving all the time.
I never apologized. Simply thank you. I could see it in your eyes, I hurt you.
You threw everything that you had just only to be with me. But what did I do? I treated you all wrong.
I should have been grateful. I should have been ashamed of how I'd turned my back on my life. I craved the darkness. Made a good friend with alcohol and drugs.
I found out things later after you sorrowed. I'd never showed up whenever you need me the most. I'd always been late every time. Because the only thing I cared, was just my self. I took you for granted.
You always said things could always be fixed.
But after you were gone, everything was never be the same. And nothing could be fixed.
I thought about all the days I gave to the bar. The nights I couldn't remember. The afternoons I slept right through. All that time, spent avoiding life.
I remember the last time I saw you. It was your birthday. In the middle of your party, I made an excuse to leave. I told you I got to work. I was meeting a client though, probably the biggest deal I've ever won if I succeeded. But it meant nothing compared to you. Still I kept choosing nothing over you. I chose the biggest mistake in my life.
Your last word was "Bye Baby.. I love y-"
I walked away.
That was the last time I saw you-I never saw you alive again.
The radio in your car was blasting the music mix I made for you. Your body crushed under the debris, where your car had finally stopped after being hit by a semi trailer, on your way to see me at my office.
A tragic accident on your birthday. And I didn't even at my office at that time.
I didn't want to live again. All I wanted is just to die. My live meant nothing without you to share with. I was an inch close to death after I slit my wrist.
But then I saw you. A real you, the person I love to death. Standing in front of me.
I almost forgot how'd you look like. I cried like there's no tomorrow. But maybe there's no tomorrow.
You hold my hand.
"I love you..." I said
"Forgive, okay?"
"Who?"
"Yourself baby...you"
"....Yes" I whispered
"You, you are the love of my life."
you tried to hide your grin with your hands
then you said "Live...okay?"
"No wait.."
"I love you so much"
You squeezed me tightly. I was still crying.
"I don't want to lose you..."
You seemed to be floating over me now
"You can never lose me. I'm always right there" you pointed to my heart
Then a flash of light came.
All was white. I was in a hospital.
I found my cheek was covered with tears.
But I swear I felt your kiss on my lips softly. I'll never forget the taste of your lips.
So probably living is my option right now.
I won't disappoint you anymore.
I don't care whether I'm hallucinating or just dreaming. All I know, you were there few minutes a go, and you were real.
