I'm looking back. Unravel the day the person i love the most died, it's you.
I wasn't there when it happened, I should've been there!
I lied, I stood by your grave, trying to convince my self that it wasn't my fault,
but it 'll never be wasn't my fault.

No more kisses, no more hugs, no more phone calls just to say I love you.
And it hurts. Hurts so bad, I can feel nothing.

If you would have been alive, you might have been the only person who is able to get through me right now. Who I am right now only defines disappointment and embarrassment for everyone.

You were always showed up in every right place. You were always supported me in every right time.
The only flaw you had, you didn't make me work for it, for your love.

And I treated you like stupid. I took you for granted. I know for sure you loved me so much, and maybe that's the reason I kept doing all the stupid things, because I know you would always take me back. I was an idiot.

Many times you showed me how you loved me. Many times I did not show you I loved you. It's imbalance.

I hurt you not only once, not only twice, I bet it's a long list to go.
I kept hurting you, but you were forgiving all the time.

I never apologized. Simply thank you. I could see it in your eyes, I hurt you.

You threw everything that you had just only to be with me. But what did I do? I treated you all wrong.

I should have been grateful. I should have been ashamed of how I'd turned my back on my life. I craved the darkness. Made a good friend with alcohol and drugs.

I found out things later after you sorrowed. I'd never showed up whenever you need me the most. I'd always been late every time. Because the only thing I cared, was just my self. I took you for granted.

You always said things could always be fixed.
But after you were gone, everything was never be the same. And nothing could be fixed.

I thought about all the days I gave to the bar. The nights I couldn't remember. The afternoons I slept right through. All that time, spent avoiding life.

I remember the last time I saw you. It was your birthday. In the middle of your party, I made an excuse to leave. I told you I got to work. I was meeting a client though, probably the biggest deal I've ever won if I succeeded. But it meant nothing compared to you. Still I kept choosing nothing over you. I chose the biggest mistake in my life.
Your last word was "Bye Baby.. I love y-"
I walked away.
That was the last time I saw you-I never saw you alive again.

The radio in your car was blasting the music mix I made for you. Your body crushed under the debris, where your car had finally stopped after being hit by a semi trailer, on your way to see me at my office.
A tragic accident on your birthday. And I didn't even at my office at that time.

I didn't want to live again. All I wanted is just to die. My live meant nothing without you to share with. I was an inch close to death after I slit my wrist.

But then I saw you. A real you, the person I love to death. Standing in front of me.
I almost forgot how'd you look like. I cried like there's no tomorrow. But maybe there's no tomorrow.

You hold my hand.
"I love you..." I said
"Forgive, okay?"
"Who?"
"Yourself baby...you"
"....Yes" I whispered

"You, you are the love of my life."
you tried to hide your grin with your hands
then you said "Live...okay?"

"No wait.."
"I love you so much"
You squeezed me tightly. I was still crying.

"I don't want to lose you..."
You seemed to be floating over me now
"You can never lose me. I'm always right there" you pointed to my heart

Then a flash of light came.
All was white. I was in a hospital.
I found my cheek was covered with tears.
But I swear I felt your kiss on my lips softly. I'll never forget the taste of your lips.

So probably living is my option right now.
I won't disappoint you anymore.
I don't care whether I'm hallucinating or just dreaming. All I know, you were there few minutes a go, and you were real.

i wanna give my gratitude to whoever creates love
thanks for letting me feel this ecstatic kind of feeling that i've never felt before then
kind of feeling, whenever i see i tremble, whenever i feel i shiver
my knees weak all of a sudden just by remember once again
my heart's pounding a lot faster, and it's also stopped a few second whenever your face comes through my mind

and i will always remember when we were together and then romance got into the atmosphere, butterflies were always make their way around my stomach
those are the sensations i've always been thanking for having me experienced it

loving you will never be a mistake
and i know by letting you go, and continue living my life, could be another way of me loving you
hundreds of time i convince my self not to kill my self

my heart kinda died when you left
but our memories help me to put and glued the pieces of the broken heart
made it complete again, even though scars stay
i don't care, it's worth

loving you is always been the greatest gift i've ever received in my whole life
i wish i could trade everything that i've got, just to only see you for another minute
since you're gone, i could only imagine things when we were together
and i promise with love as a witness, your place in my heart wouldn't ever be replaced with anyone else

because i know our love is for real
it is, it never be was
I still love you, and will still love you for the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next year, or even the next 50 years
thank you for letting me to love and to be loved
thank you

we swore we will be bestfriends forever
we wrote our name in a stone, so we will remember
we share everything together
we say we care about each other

but that's all just lie
we're all mess
we are an artificial production of ego and selfishness

all i've got now just a token of unappreciated gesture
thank you for using me
thank you for saying that i'm your bestie
but frankly, i'm not more than something that usable

f*ck you!
f*ck you guys
you don't even deserve a piece of me

I know why I became like this
There is time I keep questioning why I can't have love anymore
But the answer that unspoken is now revealed

I think..
I'm afraid of falling in love
of being weak and powerless,
not the tough, brave person I know I am

Because when falling in love..
I trembled, I shivered, I forget everything
I'm undercontrol, despite I like to be in control

I'm not the person that I know
rather I be the person with lost mind

..because I am in love..

And love unleashes the hidden part of me
Part that is stranger,
.. Part that I'm scared of

This night I saw a star on a cloudy sky
Wondering the existence of it
And I know that the star might have been dead since
But its light just came by to say hi for me now

Is it I have to die first, so then people will know that I were existed?
Or is it I have to do some big step ahead?

Well I just love the twinkle star smiling upon me
And I smile back to its light..

Hello star,
Nice to greet you even before I see your light, I never know you were there..

Dear Sky,
Please say hello from me to the star, if it can't hear me

I'm sorry to realize things after they have already gone first

"Thanks for being so sweet..
For giving me love, for giving me joy..
A little smile of you is brightening my day..
A small amount of your tender is keeping me to live another day.."

"Thanks for the affection,
without you I shall pass anything in this world, because they're meant nothing, unless I'm with you"

"Everything is changing but I don't care, because we're still the same,
your laughter, my response, anything about us"

"Beautiful as you are, the love that lies in my heart for like ever,
I shall thank God too, for gave me a huge bless, which is an existence of yours"

"Even if you're stop loving me, and I damn that because I pray everyday for every single moment of love that we have,
you have to know that i'll still love you..
and it has no requirement..
wish it won't ever expired even it feels like hell..
because time will heal, and the only thing that matter is I am still able to let you be happy..
instead of hating you by not loving me,
because love has its own way,
and I don't want to lose it, surely I don't
It just feels so good in loving you,
and I don't want anything from you,
because I am just grateful for you to taught me what love is like"

"Dear Love, I do love you"


Like I could feel all of the things above
One day.. Maybe one day..

Maybe this is a feeling of lonely that I might never have before
There's a lot of people, surrounding me. But why the only thing that I could feel is nothing?

Is it true that I am desperately need to be taken care of?
Boy Friend, Girl Friend, Best Friend, Just Friend
Anything..

Even I could break a moment of silence, just with thoughts that are never stop running through my head..

How it is really for me, in finding a way to focus on what I shall do, if the only thing that I can think about is preventing my self from its destructive path of life

Because it's true, excluded half of my self, none would care of me..
I don't know what to do, I really am,
I wish someone could pull me, instead of push me away..

I only need one present..
contains a guide of finding out what I really want,
despite the fact I cannot do, because I am stuck in a never ending wonder about what kind of life I might want..

Question,
What is me in 10 years projection from now?

Don't answer it..

The right question is..
What is me in today?

and I'm sorry to my self, to frankly say that I don't know..

Do I truly live in people judgment?
Who am I when I'm not around people?

The person that still tries so hard, to be the one that they expect..
or the person that have courage to show herself who truly she is

wondering the shadow of me,
that keep screaming "let me go, I'm not this"

stressed i am, depressed is my other name
watching day goes by, day after day
constantly never change..

because perhaps, I don't have the courage to deal what's going on with the real me..
Well, I'm still waiting for her to come out..
And tell the world, that she doesn't need em!

Because truly she does not need it, true, if it only cares to her only when she is being who it wants her to be
sorry, cannot fulfill your expectation,
maybe now I'm not the one that you ever know

the unexpected of me
it's just the way I live my life

Ghost You Know Lauren Hoffman

Artist: Lauren Hoffman
Album: Choreography
Year: 2005
Title: Ghost You Know



There's a room in my house where I stumble over a memory
There's a light in the night and I wonder if you've come back for me

Well it's a little too late to say sorry, but don't be so hard on me
Ghost, you know I can't go back

Come like a whisper in silence, a brush on my skin
A shadow that flies by my door, I'm wanting more

Well it's a little too late to say sorry, but don't be so hard on me
Ghost, you know I can't go back
Like a song in my ear you are near me, here like a time machine
Ghost you keep pulling me back

Well if you've been here all the while, watching me drift by and by
Waiting for something to fill me up, ghost close your eyes

I can silence the voice in my head and hear you instead
Whisper and sing for me again, rise from the dead

Well it's a little too late to say sorry, but don't be so hard on me
Ghost, you know I can't go back
Like a song in my ear you are near me, here like a time machine
Ghost you keep pulling me back
Sometimes you lose everything, or gave it away well it's hard to say now


*I'm sad truly sad, realize the ghost of love won't come back to haunt me all day, all night, all time.. I think I'm just missing the way how it feels, even it's sadden me, or even it's hurting me..
miss you love,
even if I cannot have it, but please let me feel it once again*

*maybe one day I could understand, how love truly plays to distract something in me*

Why listen to her?? (marisa lauren)
It's because I watched a tv shows, titled south of nowhere, and they got this song
maybe some of you know what this tv shows is all about..

For whom who don't know.. I'll share..
It's all about the teenage's life, problem, love, stuffs..
And the interesting part is, it's about the orientation of sexuality from the main character..

Where she's confused, she's in a new city, with new people, and new rules..
Where she could morely to open her self up, take her self come out of the stupid little box that maybe was created by the society.. (well i guess it's not maybe, it's more to obviously)
You know, all the religion, values, culture, that prevents you to be who you are..

But who we are, truthfully is just the way that society reflects us..
There's nothing wrong with being who you are,
What do you love, who do you like.. What do you prefer..
It's all more to a matter of choice rite? which comes out from the deepest part of our hearts..

Why we have to be confused, by what these guys want, or what these girls ask for..
Why don't start your life, by asking, what do you want for your self..

Oftenly we forgot, to put ourself in front of other people needs..
We let ourselves drowned in acceptance of other people, who apparently feel comfortable to be around us..
Then we choose, to be the person that they want, that they accept, that they expect.

We forgot..
there's nothing wrong with being the original of us..
And we don't need people's approval to be who we are..

Just move along..
And you'll gain your happiness if you're being the one that you should be since the first place..
You are you

none and nothing could change..
You are special
Have the confident of it, and you'll be fine..