There some things I've learned in this world after you made me feel this way

How when a heart being broken, it doesn't make any sound

How when I'm missing someone the only noise I can hear is the ticks from the clock
Senses every second like a time in hell

How I could unconsciously produce droplets of tears
And I wonder why I still not dehydrated, because I know it's still running down my cheek

Sometimes how I am able looking up to a nothingness
Thinking about nothing
Contemplating about emptiness

How I experienced a minute that feels like forever
And people say the flame in my eyes gradually fades

How you make me dead inside
Because I cannot understand everything that you're saying

How my heart puts trick on my mind
It's always unfair for me whenever I contemplate things about you

How I always wrong
and how you always right

How I know you're a mean person,
Playing with my heart like it's just a deck of cards
Giving me an illusion of future, when you're already know it's not happening
but how funny that I still care about you a lot

There's no other word that could describe how hurt I've felt
How much pain I've been going through
How much I went
Just to be with you, just for that momentousness

And it really breaks me to know the truth
Because no matter how much I ran, how much I sacrificed
No matter how much obstacles I managed to work out
and no matter how much puzzles I successfully decoded
You will always come up with new ones
New enigmas that push me harder and farther

And when I thought I catch a glimpse of my finish line
When I thought it's all going to be just fine, because I think I deserve you as my reward
There, you gave me the last paradox
The ultimate one
Because it's about a thing that I cannot change
That from the first place you already know what it is
But you keep it away from me
Save it as your last weapon
The final reason to make you not to be mine
After making a fool of me until this far

It jolted me to perceive how sadistic you could be
Oh my, you're such a dead for me
But now I'm done
This journey found its end

i know more than everything, that perhaps everything i do won't do this any better
don't be mad at me because i'm being so scared
so scared what if the absolute happiness that belongs to me turns out to be you
so scared what if i could only ravel back time, mesmerizing times that i've spent with you ahead in a future, as the best damn time in my life
so scared i won't stop crying every night, asking my self the "what if" situation
so scared, i swear to god i am

what if you're the one
the one that resemblance of each of us seeking in this world to make us complete
the one that supposed to be mine
the one that i care the most
the only one that i only love this far
or maybe forever..

i'm so scared
and no one could shelter me
because the more i thought i could be without you, the more i scared because that really means this story comes to an end
i know it's stupid and ironic
and i'm not a big fan of drama either

i asked to god yesterday, for you to be mine
i just want that, i think that's the purpose why a life has been given to me
the only thing that i want in this world

i love you deeply..
i don't know why sometimes i could suddenly cry without knowing the reason why
but then again, i've noticed that there's time when i cry because i feel the pain in your heart
even though the pain wasn't caused by me
but i could still feel it, and i'm hating my self cuz i can't do anything about it
i don't want you to be hurt
i just want to see you smile
being free and happy
no matter with me or not

people talk about how sincerity had gotten lost in this world
but i've never lost it since i met you
it's always about you
i don't even care anything about me
i swear to god i just want you to be happy
there's nothing in this world mean a thing if pain in your heart goes linger
i wish i could vanish it away
curing it so you could be as good as new

i know i'm pathetic
still crying over you even though it had been over long time a go
sometimes i just miss you so bad
i could only bury my face into my pillow
shouting your name there, so no one else hear
and crying my eyes out
because i've already felt worthless when you're decided to not be here with me
i can't afford to make my self goes a penny lesser by people judging me
people took me as pity, whenever i cry about you
so no one should know
it's just me, my pillow and this locked room

what is the parameter of being stable
being not miserable as what they say
do just stuck with one person could be classified as being wretched?
because i still can't get away with this one very special person

i do really want to get out from this phase
i'm bored of being stuck with this
the same old routine, the same old thing
giving away my heart for the person who perhaps doesn't love me back
i'm done taking my chances, i'm done trying so hard
it doesn't show any progress
i've tried everything i know
even tried things i've never thought it before
but it's not getting any better

the last thing i've had not done is giving it up
is it the right thing to do?
or is it the stupid thing to do?
i don't know

there's no answer for questions like this in books
i've been looking up for it every day and then
and nothing could give me a hint of answers that even close

where should i look then?
i have no clue
i have no experience for things like this
the only thing that could keep me awake every day is just thinking about love
but what if, love is the only thing that hurts me so bad
i'm lacking of passion to sleep, to wake up, to breathe
i'm losing everything
everything is not the same anymore
it doesn't even close with pasts

god i'm so sick and tired
i just want to let go and be normal
be back to who i am belong to
but nobody cares
nobody helps me get through with this
i was left lonely
being alone never got this bad
i used to get use to it
i used to be with that condition and just be fine
but right now it's different
i need that kiss
need that touch
need that tender
i'm missing it
miss it

people shouldn't be dead just because they're losing this
i was checked up as normal when i go to hospital
but why there's something in me that feels like dying
or perhaps it's already dead
it's a riddle to me
i'm tired of figuring out this puzzle
i used to love complicated things
enigma, mystery, quandary, they're all my best friends
i found them challenging
but this one, this one is not
this one, i really don't care whether i'm losing or winning
i just want this to be over
because it kills me
i know it does

I'm so sorry for being so selfish
Wanting you for all by my self
I don't want to share with other people
Especially the one from the past

There's a fact that i believe
you need to let go the past if you want to start planning with your future
how could you be with me wholly, if you're still thinking about others

but sometimes i'm scared
so scared that perhaps the day i'm frightened so much will come
one day when i found some other person lays beside me
the same day when i woke up in sob, from a dream of you
wanting you badly to be the one who lays beside me
but you're not there
i just found an empty space, filled by some other random person
that i don't think means everything to me
because if that time comes
sure as hell i don't know what to do

i could only hope for a second chance
when the story of us would be different
where there's only you and me
being together
just us
without other things to be worried about

i wish i didn't know your past lover
i wish i didn't know it so well
cause my heart drenches every time i recognize you're being with him
sharing perhaps the same thing we've shared

i don't want to know how you look him in the eyes
cause i don't want my self to be disappointed if i'm knowing you're looking right at him, the same you're looking right at me

and i wish you didn't make a promise, that eventually we both know you'll break
the promise you made for him to never see me again
to never call me again, never give me a phone call just to say good night
never give me a chance to just say i love you

so many things i wish not to be happened
like i wish the moment we met, you're not seeing someone else
i don't know is it too late for a start
or is it too ruined to ever be started

i could only startle for reminiscence truths
sometimes i just want to be an idiot
forgetting all the things i know
opening an all new clean slate

so this very heart could only belong to you without any past haunts
because it hurts much
very very much
to know it's been broken
and never feel the same again towards its owner

i swear i don't want to care as long as i can just be with you..
but thinking that you're in love with another, it splits my heart into pieces..
and for moments of truth, it ain't capable of feeling anything, numbing, then corrupts me into someone i have no control of..
i'm sorry for my cowardliness, i don't want to take blame of making you cry, breaking your heart by my personal intended mistake is the last thing i want to do in this world..
there's nothing to be forced anymore..
i believe liberty leads to utmost happiness..
egocentric if i reveal you the truth that i just want you to be happy only if with me..
but love puts trick on me to be selfless, what's matter the most is you being happy, and nothing else means a thing for me..